The Loud and Shiny Tunnel

So.... I have depression.

That doesn't mean that I lay around in a dark room under the covers listening to mopey music all day, eating ice cream, and watching Interview with the Vampire (anymore). I'm actually usually a fairly positive and optimistic person (now).

Because this is a part of my biological process, though, I know that every few months something is going to set off the chemistry of my brain and I'm going to get into a funk for about a week. I can usually feel it starting to come on a few days before whatever the catalyst event is, which tells me it's cyclical as well as environmental. Usually the first indicator is that the book(s) that I've been reading for the past couple of weeks suddenly seem stupid. Then I don't want to read any comics. Then I lose interest in most of the podcasts that I normally enjoy. I usually have the presence of mind to know then that a blue week is right around the corner.

The only good thing about dealing with my personal manifestation of depression is that, over the decades I've been able to slowly examine it, to put my worst enemy under a microscope, to turn it over and upside down like a particularly disgusting species of bug. I'm aware enough now of how my depression works to know that the the things that set me off during these cycles are things I'm feeling depressed about at the moment, and not that I'm depressed because of them. I know that my loss of interest in various hobbies is only temporary and not to write them off altogether. Most importantly, however, I know that, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment, these feelings are temporary and will fade in a few days if I make the effort not to dwell on them.

As cliche as it may be, I tend to think of my depression as a tunnel. When it first starts it's just a regular flat tunnel, dark, gray, and all the other stereotypical things. After a few days, though, I reach a threshold and the tunnel splits. The tunnel on the right slopes gently downward and looks really comfortable and pleasant. The are blankets and pillows, there are old Sandman and Hellblazer comics, there are all the songs on my Amy Lee playlist (don't judge me), the lights are dim, everything is quiet, and there's something cool and inviting at the bottom. At the time I really like this tunnel.

The other, however, angles very steeply upward and seems to be filled with jagged rocks. It's very loud, with stupid people talking about stupid things. There are bright shiny comic book characters in it, like Kyle Rayner and Wally West. It's filled with aggressively upbeat metal like DragonForce (don't judge me), and at the end of the tunnel is the fucking Sun!  Ugh!

At the time I find this tunnel very tedious. I absolutely do not want to deal with it. This, however, is the course I have to take if I want to pull myself out of my depression and get back on The Path.

The first path is very seductive (for me anyway), even when I reach that threshold and my objective self knows that it isn't healthy.  When I'm depressed all I want to be is depressed. It's a thing that very much wants to be fed.

I've given in and fed it before, mostly in my early twenties. Yes, it will eventually sate itself and go back to sleep for a while, but the fallout isn't worth it. These are the times when I've strayed the farthest from the Paladin's Path, frustrated my bosses with my nearly nil productivity, stained my personal relationships, and even negativity effected my health (a steady diet of almost nothing but ice cream and wine will do that). It's better, I've found, to just starve it into hibernation as quickly as possible.

As I right this, in fact, I am currently in the process of making myself climb up through the Loud and Shiny Tunnel. That is, in all honesty, why I'm writing this, because talking (or writing) about it helps.

As with everything I talk about in this blog, please don't take this discussion about my situation to be any kind of advice or expertise. Yes, I have a relatively good handle on my depression, but I acknowledge that mine is probably on the lower end of the spectrum and that everyone is different.

One thing that I would ask that you take away from this, though, whether you have depression or not, is that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Its simply a matter of the body operating in a slightly different than average fashion. If you have depression, and if you need a day or two to go be sad, then go be sad!  I've got your back. In my experience, someone offering you "tough love", telling you to "suck it up" or to "get over yourself" are often not only unhelpful but can also be detrimental to the recovery process. When you're feeling a little better, and you're ready to take a shower and put on pants again, then you can go be awesome.

As always, if you have any questions, comments, or concerns about this or any other installment of The Paladin's Path, the best way to hit me up is on Twitter @GrantRichter09. If you're going through depression yourself, and if you just need to vent your thoughts to someone who can relate, feel free to tweet or DM me any time.

 

It's time to (make myself) get back to work.